Faith, Failure and Forgiveness
It’s interesting to me how things play out in our lives. This entry is going to be particularly hard for me to write, so I hope that you all bare with me through (what I’m sure will be) the choppiness of this post. My mind has been racing the last 48 to 72 hours with how many changes just drastically blew into my life, and I think I might still be in a little bit of shock.
I guess to really understand what happened the last couple of days, there needs to be an understanding of what happened in the past. Just before I went to Massachusetts, I met someone and we really hit it off. We began dating, moved to Massachusetts, and ended up engaged. By the end of the relationship, we had moved back to South Carolina and suffered some really negative experiences that eventually led to a break up. There really isn’t a need for all the details, but it ended badly.
The two years that followed were a spiral of negativity: they’d say bad things, I’d say bad things, they’d say more, I’d say more. Eventually, things started to cool off, and I spoke in an earlier post (End of the Year) about wanting to reconcile and be able to speak to one another. There were times after that (Currently Misplaced… Not Forgotten) where it looked like that might happen, but then felt like something else entirely. Finally, it just felt like I was being followed.
I knew that my ex had changed their cellphone number. I knew they blocked me on Facebook. I had no way of contact except through my ex’s new girlfriend, so I just started messaging her every time I felt like I was being followed. I just hoped that I’d be able to find peace… And that my ex would be able to find peace as well. It had been a couple months since I’d heard anything, and then I got a notification on my phone that this blog had been followed… by my ex. I wrote to the girlfriend (now fiance) about it, and never heard anything back. This was on the 7th.
Yesterday, my ex posted a blog stating they were looking to make peace, but that they wanted me to contact first. I left a comment, then I got an e-mail. We e-mailed back and forth, said our apologies, and made vital steps toward reconciliation.
I found it funny that this all happened right when I was approaching this blog… Faith, Failure, and Forgiveness… The three F’s that really summarize everything that’s happened.
I went to a church service at one point where the message was all about forgiveness and praying for those around you, even when it might seem like something unbelievably hard. I’ve always struggled with prayer. The only type I’m really accustomed to is the Christian idea of prayer… On your knees, head bowed, fingers and hands clasped, speaking aloud is optional. I reject the idea of “magick” as the pagan form of prayer, so it’s something that I struggle with.
Eventually, I just defined it as meditation with a purpose, a direct connection between the gods and myself where I felt I could be heard and answered. Then I just started to remind myself when I felt overwhelmed (about anything) or felt like things were getting out of control, whether it was work or stuff at home or in my personal life that the gods were there and would help me. I had to remind myself until it just became obvious to me.
Faith, as defined by me, is the idea that everything will happen the way that it should and turn out for the better in the end no matter what as long as I continue to believe that the gods are there protecting me and watching out for me. As long as I continue to believe in them, they will continue to believe in me.
It’s helped me through a lot of failures in my life. It’s helped me from making a lot of mistakes. When I get into situations that are absolutely impossible… when there is road block after road block after road block… when I jump through a hoop just to get five more… when I get so frustrated and upset that things aren’t happening the way I want them to… when no matter how hard I try, there’s always failure… That’s when I stop and I think, “You know what, if this was the path I was supposed to be on, then this would have happened already with the work I’m putting into it.”
When I fail… when things continue looking down… that’s when I rely the most on my faith. It’s not the ONLY time I rely on my faith because there’s this funny thing about faith… it works better when it’s 24/7… but I rely on it more so when things look/feel bad.
Faith also becomes important when you’re looking to forgive someone or something. It wasn’t until I turned my feelings away from the physical and turned them towards the gods that I really felt like I was able to forgive. I put my trust and my hope towards the gods and I let them have the situation. It created a new level of positiveness in my life that hadn’t been there. It allowed me to really forgive others and myself for the past…
And now my ex and I are on speaking terms.
Let’s be real here… if you didn’t believe in miracles before, you probably should now.